Garden

Lots of pretty things this year. The valley is dry and windy but I enjoy the challenge of growing things, besides weeds :)

Heidi comes to the garden a lot with me. She spends many moments helping me water everything. And Hunter likes to help weed which is great.

 Autumn, Hunter and Emmett just finished swimming lessons. They did great and all are little fishies. Autumn is a strong swimmer even in deep water and a good diver. Hunter is learning all the different strokes. And Emmett he can go under the water and get the ring without using his feet to pick it up.

It's also mohawk season for the boys. We think they look pretty good. There has been lot's of mountain trips, lot's of fence, and I feel like the summer is flying away from us. Can't it just stay forever? Emmett wishes it was time for the mountains every day so he wears his back pack around fully packed loaded with mountain things (Undies and dart guns are essential). He never takes it off and it serves as a wonderful pillow when needed.

Back to the lingering infertility....We've finally admitted, okay I've finally convinced myself that trying for 19 months with four miscarriages means its time to go to a specialist. We have a consultation soon, maybe we can get some answers and some help. In 5 months it will be 2 years hoping and waiting and that hits hard, especially after losses. So we will see. I hope it works out.

My kids keep growing. Life keeps moving. Change is good.

New things

No pictures but updates.

Heidi's 2nd birthday was fun and stressful! It was an under the Sea party so all that entails happened in a few hours time. She loved it and got lots of wonderful gifts. "Mernaids" included. yes its mernaids not mermaids....that is how she says it. She received her own panties for which we will be attempting the potting training this summer. Yay!

Emmett-Crazy digging in dirt pirate man. He packs around daddy's old tool box and he keeps his "treasure" in it. He is enjoying sunbeams as well.

Hunter- Can ride his bike without training wheels now! Woohoo! We also registered him for kindergarten. He is very ready but I don't think I ever will be. Also he is starting soccer this spring.

Autumn-Also doing soccer this spring. She is starting to read the chapter books the magic tree house collection. She also had a Great to be 8 meeting at church. We can't believe she will be getting baptized this november or december.

Jonthan-Getting ready for those spartan races! Keeping the baby calves alive. Getting ready for the mountains. Branding calves. All those fun things! He has been taking the kids a lot more which affords me a little time for myself blessed man. We went to the temple a couple days ago to clean. It was fun, something new to try. We actually got to clean in the celestial room! So beautiful. I am sure we will sign up again when cleaning takes place.

Myself- Bought about 400 cinder blocks and made myself raised garden beds and flower beds all over the place lol. I need me projects. It helps with everything. I quit all western medicine fertility treatments. I'm onto acupuncture to target my anxiety and depression. Its wonderful. I was super skeptical about it but the results are undeniable. I have had 3 acupuncture appointments and a professional 90 minute massage from pagosa springs(Thank you husband and friends) all within a week and a half. I didn't really believe in a "healing crisis" but ya....them suckers are real. Healing from the inside out. Acupuncturist said I have slow circulation which could be a contribution to all my losses. So I will continue with acupuncture. Even if I don't get a baby, its deeply relaxing and relieved my PMS symptoms even though I only started acupuncture seriously the day before my cycle started. I think Jonathan thinks I'm all voodoo'ed out doing all these funny things. ha ha. But he supports anything that relieves the tears and crankiness that emanates from his strange wife creature.

Anyways, as always we are excited for the cows to be gone soon and to plant the garden. It take  a lot of will power to stay out of the garden centers already. Jonathan and the kids are aching to go to the mountains to look for antlers and just be there. So thats the update here. I will put up pictures when my boxes are finished and there are actual plants in them.

The things we don't say

It's almost Heidi's 2nd birthday coming up on the 21st. The day that changed everything for me. There are still moments I find myself feeling like I haven't come far along from where I was a year ago. But those days are fewer and fewer so I know there is improvement. Last year, a week after Heidi's first and very difficult 1st birthday, I found myself pregnant. We were excited. Things are looking up! A happy ending to a difficult year of PTSD and we could end on a good note. Things will be different this time! Such morning sickness, it was a lovely sign everything was going right. When I was 11 weeks, I began spotting. Even though I was scared for a few moments, I could tell myself, "Everything is alright, I did the same thing with Heidi at 11 weeks. Now we have a good excuse to get to see the baby early and everything will be fine!" So into the ER we went Saturday afternoon. Waiting for a couple hours until we would be wheeled to the ultrasound room. This is the moment I kept telling myself, "You wouldn't have gotten pregnant without a reason, this baby is meant to be. What about all the dreams you've had about having another?" And this satisfied me. I was  eerily calm and hopeful. The ultrasound tech didn't say anything during the ultrasound. I still didn't think much of it. They weren't supposed to say one way or another. An hour later back in our ER room, a lady comes in. "The fetus is measuring small for your last menses date, and there are no heart tones." My whole body went into defense mode. I know this because thats what PTSD has done to me and its a learned skill. I completely shut down, I couldn't cry. I couldn't talk. I couldn't move for minutes. Because at that moment, I didn't want to live. I didn't want to feel it. There was no way I was going to let myself feel it. It hurt too much. I needed to protect myself because I knew the hurt that would follow. I shut that old friend out, and while I hid, he grew and stalked outside my barriers waiting for my defenses to fail. We walked out of the hospital 10 minutes later with a packet of papers labeled, "You are having a miscarriage, what you need to know..."
The grief didn't hit me until after the D&C two days later. My morning sickness waned, I started lactating slightly, my bloated belly was flat and it felt like I was on a period from hell. My hormones crashed as they do after childbirth. Then my heart caught up with the present moment that I was suddenly no longer pregnant and there was no infant in my arms to ease the way my body felt. Pain, grief, anger, questions, bargaining, hopelessness to name a few, came flooding through the gates all at once. And to be honest they still drip in today. The same feelings. There is so much energy in grief. What did I do with it all? It was too much to handle. Most days felt like an explosion of pointless tears and sadness. I was lonely, where were the other women who experienced this? Why couldn't I reach out and find them for support? This is my regret, that I did it alone because I felt I was tainted. And then we lost another at 5 weeks, and then another. And then another. Nobody could ever understand this pain, I thought, it's too much for someone to even know. Then what of their happiness? Happiness comes after sadness. But it didn't again and again. Where was my hope? To be honest, its very little still. But I put my hope into other things and other ideas now. Hope that my children will grow happy and understanding. I hope that they will be kind to others. I hope that when their trials come, they will find themselves in a place of learning and not a place of torture. Hope that some day, when this sojourn has ended, my mind will be filled with understanding for the suffering that feels so pointless.
     I am so excited for the garden this year. I have new projects planned. I like beautiful things. Beautiful stories with happy endings. Lovely gardens and colors. Happy children who create their own worlds. I am a hopeless romantic, which is my downfall. So much hope creates inevitable disappointment. But I am learning how to deal with both. Some days I feel like such a beautiful person with an ancient soul who could conquer anything and make her world beautiful. And then my other very real self, is a demon. A dark soldier destroyed by war and finding strength from the prospect of future battles to lose. Hyper vigilant and never letting others see what might frighten them. I know I scare people. I am scared of me too. These are the kind of things we don't say....

Next to The Finish Line

The next test I've had was the HSG. What is the HSG do you say? Its a lovely little procedure. Let me tell you. There were no less than five people in the room while I was lying on a table in one of those thin hospital gowns. I know they "cover" but when you know you are in the nude underneath the thin cloth, your mind does the rest and well...it was embarrassing. Anyways, pretty much a special dye is shot up through the uterus and spills out the fallopian tubes. That part was kind of cool, I got to watch the live feed on the x ray machine. It was only a 5 minute procedure and I got to get dressed before talking with the doctor. By then I was only a little crampy. I am thankful because I have heard horror stories about the pain that comes along with the dye being forced through your reproductive system. The good news is, everything looked wonderful. NO blocked tubes, no adhesions from my c section or d&c. Big sigh of relief. Probably do another round of clomid next month. Then who knows. The patience is wearing thin. But thats okay, I am about ready to accept my fate either way and in life in general. Surrendering complete control is hard. We can do our best then let it rest. I've exhausted myself worrying, trying, and surviving. Everyone has a limit. God knows it. I wonder if that is the finish line? Hmmm.

Rant(You've been warned.)

This is about to become my infertility blog journey and our try for a rainbow baby. Firstly, its been 9 months since my first miscarriage this year. I fully expected to be pregnant by now. I'm not. And the end of each cycle is the worst because without fail during that time I have found out someone else is expecting only to be followed with the joys of a period or an early loss. Oh the jealousy!!! When I say jealousy....I spend a lot of time crying in my room and throwing myself a pity party and hiding my pain from other people. I beg God to please bless us with what I think I need to feel better. I get mad, and wonder why God is throwing babies around at other people in front of me. But I really have to chop at this tree and take some humble pie because "Duh I don't know their situation.".... I absolutely hate this journey. I have never enjoyed Trying To Concieve(TTC). I hate that I have to deal with miscarriages like its a "Normal" thing for me. All my hormone tests have come back pretty normal so far. I'm starting clomid and I am looking into IVF. I keep looking at others wondering what they are using to be so fertile. I have tried every method and no method. "Relax and let it happen." been there, done that. Then there is the whole, what have I done wrong in life question. Thats like taking a mental stick and beating the crap out of myself, so I try not to go down that road. I am having to take one long day at a time and drag myself out of the depression that lurks around every situation. I can't wait for the day when I will cry for the blessings that come instead of waiting for the ones that haven't.

Okay rant over, we can all go about our business like this never happened right? Along with TTC comes a huge load of guilt and shame for how a TTC woman feels. The feelings don't come in small packages, they are strong and loud and they hurt. But some day somehow they will feel better, or at the very least they won't feel so strong because the best healer is TIME.

Due

My due date was November 11th. I took a picture of me on my due date. No swollen belly. Not even a saggy tummy and a baby to cuddle. A hard day. But I wanted some proof that I survived it. My husband got me flowers. These flowers were amazing they lasted three weeks at least! In some ways time is flying by, my kids are getting older. Heidi is two in february. She is already refusing naps. But time is slow too. Grieving is a long process and each month is a reminder of the ones we lost this year. But we are moving forward slowly. Maybe someday a rainbow will come.

Hold them tight

Kids are not here to benefit us. We are here to nurture them into beautiful souls. I want my kids to know they are enough. No matter what.

This year I have lost four pregnancies. My heart is broken for the babies I never got to hold in this life. I never got to kiss, never got to read a book to, never held in my arms. But I still bonded with them. Each time. My kids that I do get to hold remind me of all that is important. I am not the luckiest person on earth. Life is not a fairy tale. But my happiness is great because for all the bad things that happen, I know how to recognize the good, the beautiful, the sacred. I don't need something good to happen to feel I am enough.  I am enough by myself. I am my own rock on the foundation of the Lord. He has got this more fully than I will ever comprehend. And that is my comfort. I can be happy. I can teach my children how to be happy. Look at that, how lucky am I to have hope for the future, faith that the Lord has got this, and true happiness while I wait. I must be very lucky indeed.

The Deal with Real

I don't like to talk a lot about the things I go through, let alone put it on a blog?? But I want people to know I am human. Most of my life I feel like I have lived as a robot, or as a person who wished others to believe her perfect. What a terrible lie, how deceitful, and so very unkind to myself and others around me! I want to be real! And more importantly I want to be me. Some things about Brittani many people don't see right away...

I am terribly shy(but I do my darndest to mask that at any cost! Usually by the end of a conversation to anyone I am having a heart attack. People scare me, I guess I have always thought so, even as a child, but I didn't know it until my very talented therapist and I dug that out. Do you know how crazy that is? To not know something so profound about oneself until they are an adult? And then have to deal with it after years of what was "normal")

I would not trade my PTSD for anything in the world...(Whaaaa? you say. But its true, I have never known more truth, been more free, or learned so much. I still go to therapy, every couple of weeks or so, but each time I am profoundly changed for the best)

I haven't just learned to "cope", I am changed and I feel so blessed for this hard thing that Heavenly Father wanted for me. Am I better? Define 'better'. What a vague word, what does it even mean? Well, when I figure it out I will let you know :)
Anyways, here I am, in all my imperfect glory but still fighting the battle I think we all fight within ourselves. To find who we are. Life can strip away or hide the people we were meant to be. And we can spend a lifetime pretending to be someone who we are not. If we were wise, we would all wish for the day we could each look in the mirror and say "there you are...I see you now for the first time" May we love that person in their raw and true form.

A Forever Family

There is no greater peace and joy than knowing that these people are mine forever. It makes the hard days a little easier. My memorial stone for the garden reads "Special people never leave us. Even after they are gone. They live in our hearts forever. Nothing can ever break that bond"

The very long road to A Secret Garden

Today I am grateful. I am grateful for my trials. They make me unique. They make me strong. They humble me. They teach me patience. They make me realize who my true friends are.
I won't go into many details, but recently we lost someone very precious to us. It hurts every day. Grieving is a long hard road. But a road eventually goes somewhere. Hopefully somewhere more beautiful. A place of understanding and hope.
     We are building a garden. Have you ever seen The Secret Garden?

A little girl (Mary)who has endured many things including the loss of her parents finds a forgotten garden and brings it back to life. She discovers her cousin who has no will to live, and her uncle who locked the garden in his grieving. What I love about this story is that this little Mary, has suffered and endured and still found the joy in something that is changing all the time. Life is not always beautiful but it for darn sure is always changing which breathes sadness and hope. A forever turning cycle that can somehow perhaps turn a pretty face now and then.  Eventually Mary was able to unite and heal her family even in her own time of pain. Strength does not simply come from enduring trials, strength comes from learning and evolving. Adapting and remaking ourselves into a better person.  Our garden we are building, is for remembering. Remembering those who have changed us, remembering that not all hurt is always painful. That there is always hope. God is good. 

Autumn was having a hard emotional day, no matter what I said it could not console her. I said "Honey, I am sorry, you will know someday we are not trying to be mean, we love you." She cried and cried and said "I know I just don't understand!!" Stomped her foot and went to her room so sad she couldn't comprehend. I thought it was normal parenting stuff but I wished I could just link our minds so she could know that she was okay and she would know we were helping. Months later in my own grief and tears I am kneeling by my bed and sobbing in complete confusion of my situation. Begging for help and asking Father in Heaven why he was doing this to me. And I felt like my daughter, a little girl who did not understand. And then I heard my own words come from Him to one of His daughters, "Honey, I am sorry, you will know some day I am not trying to be mean, I love you." 

I have already seen the the light and blessings that come from my darkest moments. The moments I wish I could forget are the moments that empower me. They have changed me. And now I will let them anchor me to the Lord. Because each time He has steadied my tossing ship, compromised by the waves of life. 

Looking Forward

Heidi is about to have her first birthday on the 21st. One year since the trauma and one year of healing. I have learned much. I have learned I am a lot stronger than I thought I could ever be. No one could have convinced me I would survive this long. Heideline is a beautiful little girl walking and "talking" and she is still the "princess". I am finally believing she is here and mine and how blessed we are to be alive and to have each other.
 On another note, Grandpa Thompson passed away. As soon as we got the news my heart was light and I couldn't even imagine the relief I felt. Relief that I could now understand how true the Gospel is and that Grandpa was not lost to us. I can feel him and his joy to not be trapped in mortality and illness and pain. He enjoyed his life though and I am sad we will not meet again on earth. But I feel like we are closer now and he comes with me on the ranch and whenever we feed the cows he loved so much. I treasure the memories we have but they are not taken away and I can still make him proud. He is just in the other room now, separated by fuzzy glass between heaven and earth but he is there and in my heart and his support is strong. How blessed we are to have the knowledge of the Gospel and eternal life.

How to be Brave

My grandpa Martin Thompson. We are all getting ready to say good bye to him even though good bye isn't forever. He has been my dearest friend and biggest supporter even as a small child. I worked beside him, he taught me how to love ranching, he has an addicting laugh. I am not ready for this. I don't think anyone ever is. I am not sure how to be brave.
     My therapist and I talked about courage and how to feel it. It is still a confusing thing for me. I don't do things for courage, I do it out of expectation or obedience. But maybe they are similar and I haven't been able to make the connection. I am working on having Faith. Faith in all things. Maybe Faith is courage. Heavenly Father knows me so well, he is giving me trials of faith. Several times over the last month my whole world and been rocked. Not the normal stuff that usually knocks me down for a bit. Its the kind of stuff that you read in books and you say "wow I can't even imagine". I am exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. But the Lord gives strength. I think He pushes us to our potential even when we think we have hit our limit. I think that is when we turn to Him and ask to give us the strength to continue. I feel like a school girl and always in class. I am not the perfect student. I feel slow to learn. And that is when I ask for patience. And in the mean time I will keep learning how to be BRAVE.

Pictures, because I don't want to forget one moment

Love

Well the Facebook era is over for me I think. So if any pictures are going up it will be on my blog. I feel like my life and the lives of my kids should be more private so this is the news center from now on until further notice. I love my kids. They deserve better in every sense in every way. I am not qualified to be their mother but I still love them. I think its how every mother feels.

Running for life

Jonathan and I did our first ever sprint triathlon last month. We came in second to last. But we did it in under 2 hours and I never stopped not once. It was very fun! Im glad Jonathan was there to keep me going. Unfortunately, my foot was hurting quite a bit and after a month of waiting it out I went for X-rays and found I have a stress fracture. So now I am in a boot for 4 weeks. Even though working out and physical challenges give me a mental boost I don't always admit that I use it as a self punishment technique to take away the pain in my soul. It is destructive and reckless. My therapist and I are working on me trusting again but I am struggling with it. Maybe someday it will be better.

But for now, the outfitting is done  (yay!) the cows came home, the calves were sold, Emmett is 2 now (trying to get the potty training going) and Autumn turned 6 (lost her first tooth a week before her birthday!). Heidi is a crawling speedster and food monster(9 months). Busy busy busy! Hunter is our hugging bear. He gives hugs all day long. Our sweetie bean. 

The Hill we climb

PTSD

I'm Faking being Sick?

You must be confused, because what I am actually doing is

Faking "Being Well"

I don't always talk about all my symptoms, I don't 

always admit when I'm not feeling well and I often put

on a happy face because its just easier that way.

Any idiot can fake being sick

IT TAKES REAL TALENT TO FAKE BEING

JUST FINE WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE HELL.

This comes to mind lately. Too many times people just do not understand. It is NOT their fault. I hope they NEVER have to go through it. I am learning to forgive others before they say things about stuff they don't understand. This is happening to ME, it's MY trial and it is completely unique as is everyone's trials. Someday I am going to help someone else. I know it. That is the one thing that keeps me alive some days. It is exhausting, looking over your shoulder every second, expecting doom to happen wherever you go and being trapped in your own body and mind. Feeling so desperate, you will do ANYTHING to make it stop. But you can't run away from yourself. I am my own worst monster. Even though every day feels like an eternity, I keep climbing the hill. Somedays I slip and slide backwards, some days I just sit where I am at and don't look up or down, but some days I will inch up and forward. It is painfully slow but the reward at the top of the hill will be a better and new me, a me that I will learn to love and like, and that is worth fighting for. 

Living with PTSD

I am not writing this because I think everyone should know how tough it is living with this disorder. I know only a few people ever check my blog. I am writing this because I want to remember what it feels like years from now and how far I have come from this time in life.
PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) I noticed something was wrong two months after Heidi was born. I thought it was the slow recovery from the HELLP syndrome. Or the adjustment to having four kids after a C-section. A c-section. I am able to type it and sometimes I can say it, but not without great effort. I have been going to sessions every week for 3 months to try and cope with this. I could never make anyone understand who has not experienced this. I have tried, even my parents but they concluded I am only "Human".
This human. Who hears her own heart pound in her ears because she is so scared all the time. Whose hands and mouth cannot function when triggers arise. Who has shut off her family and friends because she feels so numb. Who cannot look at people in the face and avoids the crowds. Who has a stomach in perpetual knots from fear. I am only human. My mind isn't broken, it is wounded. Anyone can say I need some tough love and to just get over it. I dare anyone to take one day in my mind. This is real, and I can say with regret that I would have been one without compassion to any dealing with these kinds of anxieties. But we take little steps, baby steps on the road to recovery. There are good days and bad days. It is slow, so slow. Some times I feel it will never end. But one day I will look in the mirror and like who I am and who I have become. My husband is pulling me through. Even if its mud and crap he is still getting me through it. I feel forever in his debt for not giving up on me. I am so lucky to have such a perfect eternal companion. And grateful for our beautiful children. So amongst life's thorns there are roses :)

The First Time

These last few months have been full of "Firsts". The first picture I just had to post because I was going through Jonathan's phone and found it and its the first time I held Heideline after I woke up from my first C section. It is a feeling I don't want to forget. How my pain melted away when I held her. Then her first smile. The first time we all were in our van together. And now for the first time our family is complete. Its such a good feeling. I probably asked a hundred people how they knew when they were complete and over half of them would say "I just knew". HA! I would think. Thats not very convincing. But now I know. There are a lot of variables to me "knowing" but either way its a good feeling.
Recovery is slow. So slow. But we keep plugging along. Heidi had her blessing on the 26th. It was wonderful and we look forward to her smile being such a light to others. Jonathan is off to the mountains more often. Autumn and Hunter are in soccer. Emmett is a busy boy too getting more teeth and getting into as much as he can. We are busy busy busy and so, here we go, our life is about to speed by in the blink of an eye.