Pictures, because I don't want to forget one moment

Love

Well the Facebook era is over for me I think. So if any pictures are going up it will be on my blog. I feel like my life and the lives of my kids should be more private so this is the news center from now on until further notice. I love my kids. They deserve better in every sense in every way. I am not qualified to be their mother but I still love them. I think its how every mother feels.

Running for life

Jonathan and I did our first ever sprint triathlon last month. We came in second to last. But we did it in under 2 hours and I never stopped not once. It was very fun! Im glad Jonathan was there to keep me going. Unfortunately, my foot was hurting quite a bit and after a month of waiting it out I went for X-rays and found I have a stress fracture. So now I am in a boot for 4 weeks. Even though working out and physical challenges give me a mental boost I don't always admit that I use it as a self punishment technique to take away the pain in my soul. It is destructive and reckless. My therapist and I are working on me trusting again but I am struggling with it. Maybe someday it will be better.

But for now, the outfitting is done  (yay!) the cows came home, the calves were sold, Emmett is 2 now (trying to get the potty training going) and Autumn turned 6 (lost her first tooth a week before her birthday!). Heidi is a crawling speedster and food monster(9 months). Busy busy busy! Hunter is our hugging bear. He gives hugs all day long. Our sweetie bean. 

The Hill we climb

PTSD

I'm Faking being Sick?

You must be confused, because what I am actually doing is

Faking "Being Well"

I don't always talk about all my symptoms, I don't 

always admit when I'm not feeling well and I often put

on a happy face because its just easier that way.

Any idiot can fake being sick

IT TAKES REAL TALENT TO FAKE BEING

JUST FINE WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE HELL.

This comes to mind lately. Too many times people just do not understand. It is NOT their fault. I hope they NEVER have to go through it. I am learning to forgive others before they say things about stuff they don't understand. This is happening to ME, it's MY trial and it is completely unique as is everyone's trials. Someday I am going to help someone else. I know it. That is the one thing that keeps me alive some days. It is exhausting, looking over your shoulder every second, expecting doom to happen wherever you go and being trapped in your own body and mind. Feeling so desperate, you will do ANYTHING to make it stop. But you can't run away from yourself. I am my own worst monster. Even though every day feels like an eternity, I keep climbing the hill. Somedays I slip and slide backwards, some days I just sit where I am at and don't look up or down, but some days I will inch up and forward. It is painfully slow but the reward at the top of the hill will be a better and new me, a me that I will learn to love and like, and that is worth fighting for. 

Living with PTSD

I am not writing this because I think everyone should know how tough it is living with this disorder. I know only a few people ever check my blog. I am writing this because I want to remember what it feels like years from now and how far I have come from this time in life.
PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) I noticed something was wrong two months after Heidi was born. I thought it was the slow recovery from the HELLP syndrome. Or the adjustment to having four kids after a C-section. A c-section. I am able to type it and sometimes I can say it, but not without great effort. I have been going to sessions every week for 3 months to try and cope with this. I could never make anyone understand who has not experienced this. I have tried, even my parents but they concluded I am only "Human".
This human. Who hears her own heart pound in her ears because she is so scared all the time. Whose hands and mouth cannot function when triggers arise. Who has shut off her family and friends because she feels so numb. Who cannot look at people in the face and avoids the crowds. Who has a stomach in perpetual knots from fear. I am only human. My mind isn't broken, it is wounded. Anyone can say I need some tough love and to just get over it. I dare anyone to take one day in my mind. This is real, and I can say with regret that I would have been one without compassion to any dealing with these kinds of anxieties. But we take little steps, baby steps on the road to recovery. There are good days and bad days. It is slow, so slow. Some times I feel it will never end. But one day I will look in the mirror and like who I am and who I have become. My husband is pulling me through. Even if its mud and crap he is still getting me through it. I feel forever in his debt for not giving up on me. I am so lucky to have such a perfect eternal companion. And grateful for our beautiful children. So amongst life's thorns there are roses :)

The First Time

These last few months have been full of "Firsts". The first picture I just had to post because I was going through Jonathan's phone and found it and its the first time I held Heideline after I woke up from my first C section. It is a feeling I don't want to forget. How my pain melted away when I held her. Then her first smile. The first time we all were in our van together. And now for the first time our family is complete. Its such a good feeling. I probably asked a hundred people how they knew when they were complete and over half of them would say "I just knew". HA! I would think. Thats not very convincing. But now I know. There are a lot of variables to me "knowing" but either way its a good feeling.
Recovery is slow. So slow. But we keep plugging along. Heidi had her blessing on the 26th. It was wonderful and we look forward to her smile being such a light to others. Jonathan is off to the mountains more often. Autumn and Hunter are in soccer. Emmett is a busy boy too getting more teeth and getting into as much as he can. We are busy busy busy and so, here we go, our life is about to speed by in the blink of an eye.

Heideline Erika Bush, The main event :)

Bear with me as I tell you the ups and downs of this birth. First the facts then the feelings.

On Saturday I was out helping Jonathan feed cows. I hoped out of the truck opened a gate and closed it for him. As soon as I got back in the truck, I felt what I thought was a monster contraction. It was high and in my back and I almost threw up. And the darn thing lasted for 3 minutes. By the time Jonathan got back in the truck I was bawling. Eventually it settled so I opted to go home and relax and take a shower. Which I did and I felt better and no more contractions. Jonathan made dinner. I started feeling upper abdominal pain and I couldn't eat very much and I felt like something was wrong. I informed Jonathan to eat and then we were going to go. Jonathan had second helping of dinner and by then I was like "We are going NOW!!!" I called my midwife and told her about the pain I was having and she agreed something was different. So I asked Jonathan for a quick blessing and we got in the van and left. The poor kids were so confused.
We made it to the hospital, and I was moaning in pain. Just to clarify...I have had THREE ALL NATURAL BIRTHS NO PAIN RELIEF. So I knew this pain was different. I thought maybe baby was turned wrong and it was causing the back labor.
Up in the labor ward I started crying and asking the nurse for pain relief. She thought I was having normal contraction pains and gave the "Suck it up honey, millions of women have done this" look. She left us in the room strapped in to all their monitors for half an hour, I maybe had like one contraction that registered on the screen and all the while felt like I was having transition labor. IT NEVER STOPPED. After I had Jonathan give me another blessing I made him go out in the hall and make someone come in to talk to me. I told the nurse I had done labor naturally three times and something is not okay. My midwife finally came in. I was only 4 cm. My blood pressure had sky rocketed. I begged her for something for pain. I felt like I was going to pass out. Then the high risk OB doctor came in. Someone came in and tried giving me an epidural because it was decided I needed to deliver and maybe it would help with the pain. Through all the crying and moaning I was able to tell the OB I couldn't see out of my left eye for two weeks, extreme swelling and rapid water retention. And then the epidural wasn't working. Sure I couldn't feel my butt, and it was a little tingly. But my high abdominal pain was not going away and it was getting worse!

My midwife and the OB left and two seconds later came in and said C Section. They put me on the roll away bed and started running me down the hall to the Operation Room all the while telling Jonathan and I to say good bye, he couldn't be in the room with me. For the first time I felt scared. I cried and said "I love you, I love you" It was so hard leaving him when we went through those doors. And later I found out he got pretty lost and couldn't find his way back to the waiting room, he was so distracted he couldn't remember. Then I remember lights and wishing they would put me out soon so the pain would stop.
Heidi was born at 11:22 pm. 8 lbs 9 oz and 20 inches long.

I woke up and the upper tummy pain was gone. Sigh of relief....They rolled me into my room around 2am, Jonathan came to my side and said "she looks like Autumn, she is beautiful" We waited in the room until 4 am and I woke up a little more. Finally they came in with Heidi, They sat me up and put her in my arms. I cried some more, feeling sorrow I didn't even get to see her on her birthday. But so happy she was okay. She nursed like a champ and hasn't let me go practically since.
The first 24 hours I don't remember very much, I found out my liver almost ruptured and my kidneys were failing and most of my organs were not happy. They called it HELLP syndrome which is a severe type of preclamsia. I had to be on magnesium (most miserable stuff ever, I fell asleep every 2 minutes and woke up after 30 seconds)
Both Heidi and myself were on oxygen for 24 hours, I was so sick of tubes and the blood pressure band I could have screamed lol. But my biggest relief is that Heidi is okay and very healthy, things could have gone very badly and worse than they did within hours if we hadn't gone in and insisted on help. They told us, her placenta may have ruptured or my liver or both if we hadn't taken the action we did. t never thought I would have a cesarean birth. But I know why they are lifesaving! I am grateful for those who took care of us that night and for the next few days. We were treated well, and got one of those couples dinners to celebrate our baby. I know I was prompted by the spirit that night and there was some divine intervention that saved us.

I am still coming to the reality of what happened. I am so happy things turned out okay. And on the other hand I get extremely emotional thinking about the possibility that we may not have be having this same conversation. I didn't think that when we said good bye to the kids, or when I told Jonathan I loved him, that it might be the last time.

But onto a more positive outlook we keep saying Heidi brought the storm and the snow. We were nice and comfy in the hospital while it snowed and snowed and snowed. We are grateful for those who took care of our cows at home and watched our munchkins. Thank you thank you thank you!!! We have been blessed and I would say even though this was the scariest thing that has ever happened to us, that we have been blessed a hundred fold. Our fourth child is healthy, we made it home.

38+ weeks with a princess

I am not posting a bump pic as it really is not a pretty site to behold. Like my bump looks fine and huge but the rest of me is a mess straight from my worst nightmare lol. I have cried almost every day this last week begging this little princess to come. Besides not being able to see, having extreme joint pain and burning skin and bruised feet and ankles from the swelling, I still have not grasped the fact we are having another baby. I try imagining the moving person in my belly in my arms but it seems like a dream. I expect nothing but shock for the first week and I may not ever be able to take my eyes off of her once she is born. I cannot wait to hold her so I can come to reality with the pregnancy and our fourth child. I feel angry that my misery is taking away from the joys of being pregnant with her. But she is special and has made herself known in our lives. Please come as soon as you can Heidi, we can't wait to welcome you into our family.

37 Weeks with a Princess

Made to 37 weeks! And my body feels like its falling apart. I am sure I will feel so much better once I lose all this weight. I will be able to bend my fingers again and my feet won't feel like they are on fire. I hope she can wait another week at the very least. But she did drop and I can feel every head movement...ouch! I wake up in the middle of the night and I think about her for hours. Praying she is healthy, wondering what she will look like, curious how labor will go and what her story will be. But the next few weeks will be very informative :) Now just trying to relax and rest for the up coming events.

36 Weeks Pregnant, Bye Bye Ankles!

Well first off I finished the baby blanket! And it looks amazing if I do say so. And I got the hospital bag all packed and carseat all ready so we are good to go finally! And the other thing is I have no ankles anymore. I have been walking 2 miles every day and drinking a lot of water but according to my midwife I just don't put my feet up enough and I am gaining water weight rapidly and it is causing a lot of problems. There is a lot of fluid in my joints so I have to moan and groan every time I move and my fingers all feel dislocated. I also get carpel tunnel real bad. But as long as my blood pressure remains normal and I am not seeing spots then I can remain pregnant for another few weeks :) I just hope baby is growing happy and healthy and as long as she is comfortable then I can bear it. She is worth every ache and pain. We are almost there baby girl! I am so excited to meet this little lady and hold her safe and sound in my arms and be amazed at such a heavenly gift.

My Kids

I know there are a lot of pictures but I just love my kids!
 Emmett (15 months) is a little monster boy running around and climbing everything and getting into anything. He can say words like "dada, mama, ball, more, thank you, please, eye, mooooo, and book" I forget he is still so young and he falls asleep in funny places at times I don't expect. And he cries whenever Jonathan goes out the door without him. He has found the joys of the outdoors and wants to be a part of everything!

Hunter (3 years) is growing up. The other day I told him he could watch a movie if he brought some wood in for me. He got the wagon and didn't get just one load of wood, he got three! And they were big loads! I couldn't believe how determined he was to be helpful and it just melted my heart to see his act of service, I was going to be happy with just a couple pieces of wood, one little load, but he kept going back for more and more.

Autumn(5 years) is quite the lady now. She can do most tasks I ask her to and will willingly help me out with Emmett and his needs. She made me the cutest presents for my birthday. A necklace with beads that write out "mom" on it and a picture of us hugging. She practices her writing and counting every day and is one smart cookie. We are learning to sing the Alphabet and is determined to keep up with impressing us every day with her drawings.

Ice Fishing

Been Ice fishing a lot! We have taken the kids a couple times and it sure it fun wrangling them inside a tent especially Emmett. For my 26th birthday we went ice fishing and we like to fish in style! We brought a card table and a game to play with hot chocolate and food :) Luckily we can fish and stay warm or this very pregnant lady wouldn't be out on the ice.