The Deal with Real

I don't like to talk a lot about the things I go through, let alone put it on a blog?? But I want people to know I am human. Most of my life I feel like I have lived as a robot, or as a person who wished others to believe her perfect. What a terrible lie, how deceitful, and so very unkind to myself and others around me! I want to be real! And more importantly I want to be me. Some things about Brittani many people don't see right away...

I am terribly shy(but I do my darndest to mask that at any cost! Usually by the end of a conversation to anyone I am having a heart attack. People scare me, I guess I have always thought so, even as a child, but I didn't know it until my very talented therapist and I dug that out. Do you know how crazy that is? To not know something so profound about oneself until they are an adult? And then have to deal with it after years of what was "normal")

I would not trade my PTSD for anything in the world...(Whaaaa? you say. But its true, I have never known more truth, been more free, or learned so much. I still go to therapy, every couple of weeks or so, but each time I am profoundly changed for the best)

I haven't just learned to "cope", I am changed and I feel so blessed for this hard thing that Heavenly Father wanted for me. Am I better? Define 'better'. What a vague word, what does it even mean? Well, when I figure it out I will let you know :)
Anyways, here I am, in all my imperfect glory but still fighting the battle I think we all fight within ourselves. To find who we are. Life can strip away or hide the people we were meant to be. And we can spend a lifetime pretending to be someone who we are not. If we were wise, we would all wish for the day we could each look in the mirror and say "there you are...I see you now for the first time" May we love that person in their raw and true form.

A Forever Family

There is no greater peace and joy than knowing that these people are mine forever. It makes the hard days a little easier. My memorial stone for the garden reads "Special people never leave us. Even after they are gone. They live in our hearts forever. Nothing can ever break that bond"

The very long road to A Secret Garden

Today I am grateful. I am grateful for my trials. They make me unique. They make me strong. They humble me. They teach me patience. They make me realize who my true friends are.
I won't go into many details, but recently we lost someone very precious to us. It hurts every day. Grieving is a long hard road. But a road eventually goes somewhere. Hopefully somewhere more beautiful. A place of understanding and hope.
     We are building a garden. Have you ever seen The Secret Garden?

A little girl (Mary)who has endured many things including the loss of her parents finds a forgotten garden and brings it back to life. She discovers her cousin who has no will to live, and her uncle who locked the garden in his grieving. What I love about this story is that this little Mary, has suffered and endured and still found the joy in something that is changing all the time. Life is not always beautiful but it for darn sure is always changing which breathes sadness and hope. A forever turning cycle that can somehow perhaps turn a pretty face now and then.  Eventually Mary was able to unite and heal her family even in her own time of pain. Strength does not simply come from enduring trials, strength comes from learning and evolving. Adapting and remaking ourselves into a better person.  Our garden we are building, is for remembering. Remembering those who have changed us, remembering that not all hurt is always painful. That there is always hope. God is good. 

Autumn was having a hard emotional day, no matter what I said it could not console her. I said "Honey, I am sorry, you will know someday we are not trying to be mean, we love you." She cried and cried and said "I know I just don't understand!!" Stomped her foot and went to her room so sad she couldn't comprehend. I thought it was normal parenting stuff but I wished I could just link our minds so she could know that she was okay and she would know we were helping. Months later in my own grief and tears I am kneeling by my bed and sobbing in complete confusion of my situation. Begging for help and asking Father in Heaven why he was doing this to me. And I felt like my daughter, a little girl who did not understand. And then I heard my own words come from Him to one of His daughters, "Honey, I am sorry, you will know some day I am not trying to be mean, I love you." 

I have already seen the the light and blessings that come from my darkest moments. The moments I wish I could forget are the moments that empower me. They have changed me. And now I will let them anchor me to the Lord. Because each time He has steadied my tossing ship, compromised by the waves of life. 

Looking Forward

Heidi is about to have her first birthday on the 21st. One year since the trauma and one year of healing. I have learned much. I have learned I am a lot stronger than I thought I could ever be. No one could have convinced me I would survive this long. Heideline is a beautiful little girl walking and "talking" and she is still the "princess". I am finally believing she is here and mine and how blessed we are to be alive and to have each other.
 On another note, Grandpa Thompson passed away. As soon as we got the news my heart was light and I couldn't even imagine the relief I felt. Relief that I could now understand how true the Gospel is and that Grandpa was not lost to us. I can feel him and his joy to not be trapped in mortality and illness and pain. He enjoyed his life though and I am sad we will not meet again on earth. But I feel like we are closer now and he comes with me on the ranch and whenever we feed the cows he loved so much. I treasure the memories we have but they are not taken away and I can still make him proud. He is just in the other room now, separated by fuzzy glass between heaven and earth but he is there and in my heart and his support is strong. How blessed we are to have the knowledge of the Gospel and eternal life.

How to be Brave

My grandpa Martin Thompson. We are all getting ready to say good bye to him even though good bye isn't forever. He has been my dearest friend and biggest supporter even as a small child. I worked beside him, he taught me how to love ranching, he has an addicting laugh. I am not ready for this. I don't think anyone ever is. I am not sure how to be brave.
     My therapist and I talked about courage and how to feel it. It is still a confusing thing for me. I don't do things for courage, I do it out of expectation or obedience. But maybe they are similar and I haven't been able to make the connection. I am working on having Faith. Faith in all things. Maybe Faith is courage. Heavenly Father knows me so well, he is giving me trials of faith. Several times over the last month my whole world and been rocked. Not the normal stuff that usually knocks me down for a bit. Its the kind of stuff that you read in books and you say "wow I can't even imagine". I am exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. But the Lord gives strength. I think He pushes us to our potential even when we think we have hit our limit. I think that is when we turn to Him and ask to give us the strength to continue. I feel like a school girl and always in class. I am not the perfect student. I feel slow to learn. And that is when I ask for patience. And in the mean time I will keep learning how to be BRAVE.

Pictures, because I don't want to forget one moment

Love

Well the Facebook era is over for me I think. So if any pictures are going up it will be on my blog. I feel like my life and the lives of my kids should be more private so this is the news center from now on until further notice. I love my kids. They deserve better in every sense in every way. I am not qualified to be their mother but I still love them. I think its how every mother feels.