Looking Forward

Heidi is about to have her first birthday on the 21st. One year since the trauma and one year of healing. I have learned much. I have learned I am a lot stronger than I thought I could ever be. No one could have convinced me I would survive this long. Heideline is a beautiful little girl walking and "talking" and she is still the "princess". I am finally believing she is here and mine and how blessed we are to be alive and to have each other.
 On another note, Grandpa Thompson passed away. As soon as we got the news my heart was light and I couldn't even imagine the relief I felt. Relief that I could now understand how true the Gospel is and that Grandpa was not lost to us. I can feel him and his joy to not be trapped in mortality and illness and pain. He enjoyed his life though and I am sad we will not meet again on earth. But I feel like we are closer now and he comes with me on the ranch and whenever we feed the cows he loved so much. I treasure the memories we have but they are not taken away and I can still make him proud. He is just in the other room now, separated by fuzzy glass between heaven and earth but he is there and in my heart and his support is strong. How blessed we are to have the knowledge of the Gospel and eternal life.

How to be Brave

My grandpa Martin Thompson. We are all getting ready to say good bye to him even though good bye isn't forever. He has been my dearest friend and biggest supporter even as a small child. I worked beside him, he taught me how to love ranching, he has an addicting laugh. I am not ready for this. I don't think anyone ever is. I am not sure how to be brave.
     My therapist and I talked about courage and how to feel it. It is still a confusing thing for me. I don't do things for courage, I do it out of expectation or obedience. But maybe they are similar and I haven't been able to make the connection. I am working on having Faith. Faith in all things. Maybe Faith is courage. Heavenly Father knows me so well, he is giving me trials of faith. Several times over the last month my whole world and been rocked. Not the normal stuff that usually knocks me down for a bit. Its the kind of stuff that you read in books and you say "wow I can't even imagine". I am exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. But the Lord gives strength. I think He pushes us to our potential even when we think we have hit our limit. I think that is when we turn to Him and ask to give us the strength to continue. I feel like a school girl and always in class. I am not the perfect student. I feel slow to learn. And that is when I ask for patience. And in the mean time I will keep learning how to be BRAVE.

Pictures, because I don't want to forget one moment

Love

Well the Facebook era is over for me I think. So if any pictures are going up it will be on my blog. I feel like my life and the lives of my kids should be more private so this is the news center from now on until further notice. I love my kids. They deserve better in every sense in every way. I am not qualified to be their mother but I still love them. I think its how every mother feels.

Running for life

Jonathan and I did our first ever sprint triathlon last month. We came in second to last. But we did it in under 2 hours and I never stopped not once. It was very fun! Im glad Jonathan was there to keep me going. Unfortunately, my foot was hurting quite a bit and after a month of waiting it out I went for X-rays and found I have a stress fracture. So now I am in a boot for 4 weeks. Even though working out and physical challenges give me a mental boost I don't always admit that I use it as a self punishment technique to take away the pain in my soul. It is destructive and reckless. My therapist and I are working on me trusting again but I am struggling with it. Maybe someday it will be better.

But for now, the outfitting is done  (yay!) the cows came home, the calves were sold, Emmett is 2 now (trying to get the potty training going) and Autumn turned 6 (lost her first tooth a week before her birthday!). Heidi is a crawling speedster and food monster(9 months). Busy busy busy! Hunter is our hugging bear. He gives hugs all day long. Our sweetie bean. 

The Hill we climb

PTSD

I'm Faking being Sick?

You must be confused, because what I am actually doing is

Faking "Being Well"

I don't always talk about all my symptoms, I don't 

always admit when I'm not feeling well and I often put

on a happy face because its just easier that way.

Any idiot can fake being sick

IT TAKES REAL TALENT TO FAKE BEING

JUST FINE WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE HELL.

This comes to mind lately. Too many times people just do not understand. It is NOT their fault. I hope they NEVER have to go through it. I am learning to forgive others before they say things about stuff they don't understand. This is happening to ME, it's MY trial and it is completely unique as is everyone's trials. Someday I am going to help someone else. I know it. That is the one thing that keeps me alive some days. It is exhausting, looking over your shoulder every second, expecting doom to happen wherever you go and being trapped in your own body and mind. Feeling so desperate, you will do ANYTHING to make it stop. But you can't run away from yourself. I am my own worst monster. Even though every day feels like an eternity, I keep climbing the hill. Somedays I slip and slide backwards, some days I just sit where I am at and don't look up or down, but some days I will inch up and forward. It is painfully slow but the reward at the top of the hill will be a better and new me, a me that I will learn to love and like, and that is worth fighting for. 

Living with PTSD

I am not writing this because I think everyone should know how tough it is living with this disorder. I know only a few people ever check my blog. I am writing this because I want to remember what it feels like years from now and how far I have come from this time in life.
PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) I noticed something was wrong two months after Heidi was born. I thought it was the slow recovery from the HELLP syndrome. Or the adjustment to having four kids after a C-section. A c-section. I am able to type it and sometimes I can say it, but not without great effort. I have been going to sessions every week for 3 months to try and cope with this. I could never make anyone understand who has not experienced this. I have tried, even my parents but they concluded I am only "Human".
This human. Who hears her own heart pound in her ears because she is so scared all the time. Whose hands and mouth cannot function when triggers arise. Who has shut off her family and friends because she feels so numb. Who cannot look at people in the face and avoids the crowds. Who has a stomach in perpetual knots from fear. I am only human. My mind isn't broken, it is wounded. Anyone can say I need some tough love and to just get over it. I dare anyone to take one day in my mind. This is real, and I can say with regret that I would have been one without compassion to any dealing with these kinds of anxieties. But we take little steps, baby steps on the road to recovery. There are good days and bad days. It is slow, so slow. Some times I feel it will never end. But one day I will look in the mirror and like who I am and who I have become. My husband is pulling me through. Even if its mud and crap he is still getting me through it. I feel forever in his debt for not giving up on me. I am so lucky to have such a perfect eternal companion. And grateful for our beautiful children. So amongst life's thorns there are roses :)