Rant(You've been warned.)

This is about to become my infertility blog journey and our try for a rainbow baby. Firstly, its been 9 months since my first miscarriage this year. I fully expected to be pregnant by now. I'm not. And the end of each cycle is the worst because without fail during that time I have found out someone else is expecting only to be followed with the joys of a period or an early loss. Oh the jealousy!!! When I say jealousy....I spend a lot of time crying in my room and throwing myself a pity party and hiding my pain from other people. I beg God to please bless us with what I think I need to feel better. I get mad, and wonder why God is throwing babies around at other people in front of me. But I really have to chop at this tree and take some humble pie because "Duh I don't know their situation.".... I absolutely hate this journey. I have never enjoyed Trying To Concieve(TTC). I hate that I have to deal with miscarriages like its a "Normal" thing for me. All my hormone tests have come back pretty normal so far. I'm starting clomid and I am looking into IVF. I keep looking at others wondering what they are using to be so fertile. I have tried every method and no method. "Relax and let it happen." been there, done that. Then there is the whole, what have I done wrong in life question. Thats like taking a mental stick and beating the crap out of myself, so I try not to go down that road. I am having to take one long day at a time and drag myself out of the depression that lurks around every situation. I can't wait for the day when I will cry for the blessings that come instead of waiting for the ones that haven't.

Okay rant over, we can all go about our business like this never happened right? Along with TTC comes a huge load of guilt and shame for how a TTC woman feels. The feelings don't come in small packages, they are strong and loud and they hurt. But some day somehow they will feel better, or at the very least they won't feel so strong because the best healer is TIME.

Due

My due date was November 11th. I took a picture of me on my due date. No swollen belly. Not even a saggy tummy and a baby to cuddle. A hard day. But I wanted some proof that I survived it. My husband got me flowers. These flowers were amazing they lasted three weeks at least! In some ways time is flying by, my kids are getting older. Heidi is two in february. She is already refusing naps. But time is slow too. Grieving is a long process and each month is a reminder of the ones we lost this year. But we are moving forward slowly. Maybe someday a rainbow will come.

Hold them tight

Kids are not here to benefit us. We are here to nurture them into beautiful souls. I want my kids to know they are enough. No matter what.

This year I have lost four pregnancies. My heart is broken for the babies I never got to hold in this life. I never got to kiss, never got to read a book to, never held in my arms. But I still bonded with them. Each time. My kids that I do get to hold remind me of all that is important. I am not the luckiest person on earth. Life is not a fairy tale. But my happiness is great because for all the bad things that happen, I know how to recognize the good, the beautiful, the sacred. I don't need something good to happen to feel I am enough.  I am enough by myself. I am my own rock on the foundation of the Lord. He has got this more fully than I will ever comprehend. And that is my comfort. I can be happy. I can teach my children how to be happy. Look at that, how lucky am I to have hope for the future, faith that the Lord has got this, and true happiness while I wait. I must be very lucky indeed.

The Deal with Real

I don't like to talk a lot about the things I go through, let alone put it on a blog?? But I want people to know I am human. Most of my life I feel like I have lived as a robot, or as a person who wished others to believe her perfect. What a terrible lie, how deceitful, and so very unkind to myself and others around me! I want to be real! And more importantly I want to be me. Some things about Brittani many people don't see right away...

I am terribly shy(but I do my darndest to mask that at any cost! Usually by the end of a conversation to anyone I am having a heart attack. People scare me, I guess I have always thought so, even as a child, but I didn't know it until my very talented therapist and I dug that out. Do you know how crazy that is? To not know something so profound about oneself until they are an adult? And then have to deal with it after years of what was "normal")

I would not trade my PTSD for anything in the world...(Whaaaa? you say. But its true, I have never known more truth, been more free, or learned so much. I still go to therapy, every couple of weeks or so, but each time I am profoundly changed for the best)

I haven't just learned to "cope", I am changed and I feel so blessed for this hard thing that Heavenly Father wanted for me. Am I better? Define 'better'. What a vague word, what does it even mean? Well, when I figure it out I will let you know :)
Anyways, here I am, in all my imperfect glory but still fighting the battle I think we all fight within ourselves. To find who we are. Life can strip away or hide the people we were meant to be. And we can spend a lifetime pretending to be someone who we are not. If we were wise, we would all wish for the day we could each look in the mirror and say "there you are...I see you now for the first time" May we love that person in their raw and true form.

A Forever Family

There is no greater peace and joy than knowing that these people are mine forever. It makes the hard days a little easier. My memorial stone for the garden reads "Special people never leave us. Even after they are gone. They live in our hearts forever. Nothing can ever break that bond"

The very long road to A Secret Garden

Today I am grateful. I am grateful for my trials. They make me unique. They make me strong. They humble me. They teach me patience. They make me realize who my true friends are.
I won't go into many details, but recently we lost someone very precious to us. It hurts every day. Grieving is a long hard road. But a road eventually goes somewhere. Hopefully somewhere more beautiful. A place of understanding and hope.
     We are building a garden. Have you ever seen The Secret Garden?

A little girl (Mary)who has endured many things including the loss of her parents finds a forgotten garden and brings it back to life. She discovers her cousin who has no will to live, and her uncle who locked the garden in his grieving. What I love about this story is that this little Mary, has suffered and endured and still found the joy in something that is changing all the time. Life is not always beautiful but it for darn sure is always changing which breathes sadness and hope. A forever turning cycle that can somehow perhaps turn a pretty face now and then.  Eventually Mary was able to unite and heal her family even in her own time of pain. Strength does not simply come from enduring trials, strength comes from learning and evolving. Adapting and remaking ourselves into a better person.  Our garden we are building, is for remembering. Remembering those who have changed us, remembering that not all hurt is always painful. That there is always hope. God is good. 

Autumn was having a hard emotional day, no matter what I said it could not console her. I said "Honey, I am sorry, you will know someday we are not trying to be mean, we love you." She cried and cried and said "I know I just don't understand!!" Stomped her foot and went to her room so sad she couldn't comprehend. I thought it was normal parenting stuff but I wished I could just link our minds so she could know that she was okay and she would know we were helping. Months later in my own grief and tears I am kneeling by my bed and sobbing in complete confusion of my situation. Begging for help and asking Father in Heaven why he was doing this to me. And I felt like my daughter, a little girl who did not understand. And then I heard my own words come from Him to one of His daughters, "Honey, I am sorry, you will know some day I am not trying to be mean, I love you." 

I have already seen the the light and blessings that come from my darkest moments. The moments I wish I could forget are the moments that empower me. They have changed me. And now I will let them anchor me to the Lord. Because each time He has steadied my tossing ship, compromised by the waves of life. 

Looking Forward

Heidi is about to have her first birthday on the 21st. One year since the trauma and one year of healing. I have learned much. I have learned I am a lot stronger than I thought I could ever be. No one could have convinced me I would survive this long. Heideline is a beautiful little girl walking and "talking" and she is still the "princess". I am finally believing she is here and mine and how blessed we are to be alive and to have each other.
 On another note, Grandpa Thompson passed away. As soon as we got the news my heart was light and I couldn't even imagine the relief I felt. Relief that I could now understand how true the Gospel is and that Grandpa was not lost to us. I can feel him and his joy to not be trapped in mortality and illness and pain. He enjoyed his life though and I am sad we will not meet again on earth. But I feel like we are closer now and he comes with me on the ranch and whenever we feed the cows he loved so much. I treasure the memories we have but they are not taken away and I can still make him proud. He is just in the other room now, separated by fuzzy glass between heaven and earth but he is there and in my heart and his support is strong. How blessed we are to have the knowledge of the Gospel and eternal life.

How to be Brave

My grandpa Martin Thompson. We are all getting ready to say good bye to him even though good bye isn't forever. He has been my dearest friend and biggest supporter even as a small child. I worked beside him, he taught me how to love ranching, he has an addicting laugh. I am not ready for this. I don't think anyone ever is. I am not sure how to be brave.
     My therapist and I talked about courage and how to feel it. It is still a confusing thing for me. I don't do things for courage, I do it out of expectation or obedience. But maybe they are similar and I haven't been able to make the connection. I am working on having Faith. Faith in all things. Maybe Faith is courage. Heavenly Father knows me so well, he is giving me trials of faith. Several times over the last month my whole world and been rocked. Not the normal stuff that usually knocks me down for a bit. Its the kind of stuff that you read in books and you say "wow I can't even imagine". I am exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. But the Lord gives strength. I think He pushes us to our potential even when we think we have hit our limit. I think that is when we turn to Him and ask to give us the strength to continue. I feel like a school girl and always in class. I am not the perfect student. I feel slow to learn. And that is when I ask for patience. And in the mean time I will keep learning how to be BRAVE.