This is about to become my infertility blog journey and our try for a rainbow baby. Firstly, its been 9 months since my first miscarriage this year. I fully expected to be pregnant by now. I'm not. And the end of each cycle is the worst because without fail during that time I have found out someone else is expecting only to be followed with the joys of a period or an early loss. Oh the jealousy!!! When I say jealousy....I spend a lot of time crying in my room and throwing myself a pity party and hiding my pain from other people. I beg God to please bless us with what I think I need to feel better. I get mad, and wonder why God is throwing babies around at other people in front of me. But I really have to chop at this tree and take some humble pie because "Duh I don't know their situation.".... I absolutely hate this journey. I have never enjoyed Trying To Concieve(TTC). I hate that I have to deal with miscarriages like its a "Normal" thing for me. All my hormone tests have come back pretty normal so far. I'm starting clomid and I am looking into IVF. I keep looking at others wondering what they are using to be so fertile. I have tried every method and no method. "Relax and let it happen." been there, done that. Then there is the whole, what have I done wrong in life question. Thats like taking a mental stick and beating the crap out of myself, so I try not to go down that road. I am having to take one long day at a time and drag myself out of the depression that lurks around every situation. I can't wait for the day when I will cry for the blessings that come instead of waiting for the ones that haven't.
Okay rant over, we can all go about our business like this never happened right? Along with TTC comes a huge load of guilt and shame for how a TTC woman feels. The feelings don't come in small packages, they are strong and loud and they hurt. But some day somehow they will feel better, or at the very least they won't feel so strong because the best healer is TIME.
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