Garden

Lots of pretty things this year. The valley is dry and windy but I enjoy the challenge of growing things, besides weeds :)

Heidi comes to the garden a lot with me. She spends many moments helping me water everything. And Hunter likes to help weed which is great.

 Autumn, Hunter and Emmett just finished swimming lessons. They did great and all are little fishies. Autumn is a strong swimmer even in deep water and a good diver. Hunter is learning all the different strokes. And Emmett he can go under the water and get the ring without using his feet to pick it up.

It's also mohawk season for the boys. We think they look pretty good. There has been lot's of mountain trips, lot's of fence, and I feel like the summer is flying away from us. Can't it just stay forever? Emmett wishes it was time for the mountains every day so he wears his back pack around fully packed loaded with mountain things (Undies and dart guns are essential). He never takes it off and it serves as a wonderful pillow when needed.

Back to the lingering infertility....We've finally admitted, okay I've finally convinced myself that trying for 19 months with four miscarriages means its time to go to a specialist. We have a consultation soon, maybe we can get some answers and some help. In 5 months it will be 2 years hoping and waiting and that hits hard, especially after losses. So we will see. I hope it works out.

My kids keep growing. Life keeps moving. Change is good.

New things

No pictures but updates.

Heidi's 2nd birthday was fun and stressful! It was an under the Sea party so all that entails happened in a few hours time. She loved it and got lots of wonderful gifts. "Mernaids" included. yes its mernaids not mermaids....that is how she says it. She received her own panties for which we will be attempting the potting training this summer. Yay!

Emmett-Crazy digging in dirt pirate man. He packs around daddy's old tool box and he keeps his "treasure" in it. He is enjoying sunbeams as well.

Hunter- Can ride his bike without training wheels now! Woohoo! We also registered him for kindergarten. He is very ready but I don't think I ever will be. Also he is starting soccer this spring.

Autumn-Also doing soccer this spring. She is starting to read the chapter books the magic tree house collection. She also had a Great to be 8 meeting at church. We can't believe she will be getting baptized this november or december.

Jonthan-Getting ready for those spartan races! Keeping the baby calves alive. Getting ready for the mountains. Branding calves. All those fun things! He has been taking the kids a lot more which affords me a little time for myself blessed man. We went to the temple a couple days ago to clean. It was fun, something new to try. We actually got to clean in the celestial room! So beautiful. I am sure we will sign up again when cleaning takes place.

Myself- Bought about 400 cinder blocks and made myself raised garden beds and flower beds all over the place lol. I need me projects. It helps with everything. I quit all western medicine fertility treatments. I'm onto acupuncture to target my anxiety and depression. Its wonderful. I was super skeptical about it but the results are undeniable. I have had 3 acupuncture appointments and a professional 90 minute massage from pagosa springs(Thank you husband and friends) all within a week and a half. I didn't really believe in a "healing crisis" but ya....them suckers are real. Healing from the inside out. Acupuncturist said I have slow circulation which could be a contribution to all my losses. So I will continue with acupuncture. Even if I don't get a baby, its deeply relaxing and relieved my PMS symptoms even though I only started acupuncture seriously the day before my cycle started. I think Jonathan thinks I'm all voodoo'ed out doing all these funny things. ha ha. But he supports anything that relieves the tears and crankiness that emanates from his strange wife creature.

Anyways, as always we are excited for the cows to be gone soon and to plant the garden. It take  a lot of will power to stay out of the garden centers already. Jonathan and the kids are aching to go to the mountains to look for antlers and just be there. So thats the update here. I will put up pictures when my boxes are finished and there are actual plants in them.

The things we don't say

It's almost Heidi's 2nd birthday coming up on the 21st. The day that changed everything for me. There are still moments I find myself feeling like I haven't come far along from where I was a year ago. But those days are fewer and fewer so I know there is improvement. Last year, a week after Heidi's first and very difficult 1st birthday, I found myself pregnant. We were excited. Things are looking up! A happy ending to a difficult year of PTSD and we could end on a good note. Things will be different this time! Such morning sickness, it was a lovely sign everything was going right. When I was 11 weeks, I began spotting. Even though I was scared for a few moments, I could tell myself, "Everything is alright, I did the same thing with Heidi at 11 weeks. Now we have a good excuse to get to see the baby early and everything will be fine!" So into the ER we went Saturday afternoon. Waiting for a couple hours until we would be wheeled to the ultrasound room. This is the moment I kept telling myself, "You wouldn't have gotten pregnant without a reason, this baby is meant to be. What about all the dreams you've had about having another?" And this satisfied me. I was  eerily calm and hopeful. The ultrasound tech didn't say anything during the ultrasound. I still didn't think much of it. They weren't supposed to say one way or another. An hour later back in our ER room, a lady comes in. "The fetus is measuring small for your last menses date, and there are no heart tones." My whole body went into defense mode. I know this because thats what PTSD has done to me and its a learned skill. I completely shut down, I couldn't cry. I couldn't talk. I couldn't move for minutes. Because at that moment, I didn't want to live. I didn't want to feel it. There was no way I was going to let myself feel it. It hurt too much. I needed to protect myself because I knew the hurt that would follow. I shut that old friend out, and while I hid, he grew and stalked outside my barriers waiting for my defenses to fail. We walked out of the hospital 10 minutes later with a packet of papers labeled, "You are having a miscarriage, what you need to know..."
The grief didn't hit me until after the D&C two days later. My morning sickness waned, I started lactating slightly, my bloated belly was flat and it felt like I was on a period from hell. My hormones crashed as they do after childbirth. Then my heart caught up with the present moment that I was suddenly no longer pregnant and there was no infant in my arms to ease the way my body felt. Pain, grief, anger, questions, bargaining, hopelessness to name a few, came flooding through the gates all at once. And to be honest they still drip in today. The same feelings. There is so much energy in grief. What did I do with it all? It was too much to handle. Most days felt like an explosion of pointless tears and sadness. I was lonely, where were the other women who experienced this? Why couldn't I reach out and find them for support? This is my regret, that I did it alone because I felt I was tainted. And then we lost another at 5 weeks, and then another. And then another. Nobody could ever understand this pain, I thought, it's too much for someone to even know. Then what of their happiness? Happiness comes after sadness. But it didn't again and again. Where was my hope? To be honest, its very little still. But I put my hope into other things and other ideas now. Hope that my children will grow happy and understanding. I hope that they will be kind to others. I hope that when their trials come, they will find themselves in a place of learning and not a place of torture. Hope that some day, when this sojourn has ended, my mind will be filled with understanding for the suffering that feels so pointless.
     I am so excited for the garden this year. I have new projects planned. I like beautiful things. Beautiful stories with happy endings. Lovely gardens and colors. Happy children who create their own worlds. I am a hopeless romantic, which is my downfall. So much hope creates inevitable disappointment. But I am learning how to deal with both. Some days I feel like such a beautiful person with an ancient soul who could conquer anything and make her world beautiful. And then my other very real self, is a demon. A dark soldier destroyed by war and finding strength from the prospect of future battles to lose. Hyper vigilant and never letting others see what might frighten them. I know I scare people. I am scared of me too. These are the kind of things we don't say....

Next to The Finish Line

The next test I've had was the HSG. What is the HSG do you say? Its a lovely little procedure. Let me tell you. There were no less than five people in the room while I was lying on a table in one of those thin hospital gowns. I know they "cover" but when you know you are in the nude underneath the thin cloth, your mind does the rest and well...it was embarrassing. Anyways, pretty much a special dye is shot up through the uterus and spills out the fallopian tubes. That part was kind of cool, I got to watch the live feed on the x ray machine. It was only a 5 minute procedure and I got to get dressed before talking with the doctor. By then I was only a little crampy. I am thankful because I have heard horror stories about the pain that comes along with the dye being forced through your reproductive system. The good news is, everything looked wonderful. NO blocked tubes, no adhesions from my c section or d&c. Big sigh of relief. Probably do another round of clomid next month. Then who knows. The patience is wearing thin. But thats okay, I am about ready to accept my fate either way and in life in general. Surrendering complete control is hard. We can do our best then let it rest. I've exhausted myself worrying, trying, and surviving. Everyone has a limit. God knows it. I wonder if that is the finish line? Hmmm.

Rant(You've been warned.)

This is about to become my infertility blog journey and our try for a rainbow baby. Firstly, its been 9 months since my first miscarriage this year. I fully expected to be pregnant by now. I'm not. And the end of each cycle is the worst because without fail during that time I have found out someone else is expecting only to be followed with the joys of a period or an early loss. Oh the jealousy!!! When I say jealousy....I spend a lot of time crying in my room and throwing myself a pity party and hiding my pain from other people. I beg God to please bless us with what I think I need to feel better. I get mad, and wonder why God is throwing babies around at other people in front of me. But I really have to chop at this tree and take some humble pie because "Duh I don't know their situation.".... I absolutely hate this journey. I have never enjoyed Trying To Concieve(TTC). I hate that I have to deal with miscarriages like its a "Normal" thing for me. All my hormone tests have come back pretty normal so far. I'm starting clomid and I am looking into IVF. I keep looking at others wondering what they are using to be so fertile. I have tried every method and no method. "Relax and let it happen." been there, done that. Then there is the whole, what have I done wrong in life question. Thats like taking a mental stick and beating the crap out of myself, so I try not to go down that road. I am having to take one long day at a time and drag myself out of the depression that lurks around every situation. I can't wait for the day when I will cry for the blessings that come instead of waiting for the ones that haven't.

Okay rant over, we can all go about our business like this never happened right? Along with TTC comes a huge load of guilt and shame for how a TTC woman feels. The feelings don't come in small packages, they are strong and loud and they hurt. But some day somehow they will feel better, or at the very least they won't feel so strong because the best healer is TIME.

Due

My due date was November 11th. I took a picture of me on my due date. No swollen belly. Not even a saggy tummy and a baby to cuddle. A hard day. But I wanted some proof that I survived it. My husband got me flowers. These flowers were amazing they lasted three weeks at least! In some ways time is flying by, my kids are getting older. Heidi is two in february. She is already refusing naps. But time is slow too. Grieving is a long process and each month is a reminder of the ones we lost this year. But we are moving forward slowly. Maybe someday a rainbow will come.

Hold them tight

Kids are not here to benefit us. We are here to nurture them into beautiful souls. I want my kids to know they are enough. No matter what.

This year I have lost four pregnancies. My heart is broken for the babies I never got to hold in this life. I never got to kiss, never got to read a book to, never held in my arms. But I still bonded with them. Each time. My kids that I do get to hold remind me of all that is important. I am not the luckiest person on earth. Life is not a fairy tale. But my happiness is great because for all the bad things that happen, I know how to recognize the good, the beautiful, the sacred. I don't need something good to happen to feel I am enough.  I am enough by myself. I am my own rock on the foundation of the Lord. He has got this more fully than I will ever comprehend. And that is my comfort. I can be happy. I can teach my children how to be happy. Look at that, how lucky am I to have hope for the future, faith that the Lord has got this, and true happiness while I wait. I must be very lucky indeed.